Deep Thoughts

So I have had a pretty intense time in life since I have last blogged on here. Last weekend I spent my weekend in the hospital. I don't really have any memory of it. I took 22 ambien and about 40 depekote and was ready to be done with this world. I am still truly deciding if living was really a blessing. How I wish I could be free of the pain of this world. I have such a long road ahead of me. I was diagnosed as "bi-polar"

Here is a excerpt from a website

What is bipolar disorder?

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

Bipolar disorder often develops in a person's late teens or early adult years. At least half of all cases start before age 25.¹ Some people have their first symptoms during childhood, while others may develop symptoms late in life.

Bipolar disorder is not easy to spot when it starts. The symptoms may seem like separate problems, not recognized as parts of a larger problem. Some people suffer for years before they are properly diagnosed and treated. Like diabetes or heart disease, bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person's life.

What had been happening up to last weekend is I was being treated for depression. Given medicines for depression which happened to react severely with what was really going on with me. Causing me to become a different person. I had been on so many different meds and had AWFUL reactions to every single one. I am lucky I survived as long as I did on them. The latest med they put me on "welbutrin" completely destroyed me as a person. I turned into someone I did not even know. It was so scary, it started to destroy my life. I then stopped taking it...yes after talking to my dr. The withdrawls were awful and my I was dumped by my boyfriend because he couldn't handle what was going on with me. I worked black Friday and with all the stress of everything...it was time to leave. I probably wouldn't be here if I did not text my friend jack and tell him what I did. He came over and saved me. I have no memory of most everything. I woke up sunday morning at arouond 4am confused at where I was and what had happened.

This week has been intense. I have been going through massive withdrawls off wellbutrin and celexa, then also started a new medicine called lamictal. I will spend up to the next 8 months slowly up dosing on this medicine to get it in my system to help me. 8 months to start to become somewhat normal....scares the crap out of me. I hope I have the strength to do it. I have a few really key people standing by me to help me out. This whole week I have not been able to sleep at all and have had family in town most of the week which has left me very little time to analyze what just happened to me in life. I will miss my family being here distracting me and helping me to have fun in life. I am so scared....they all leave today and I am so scared to feel alone again. Through everything this disease has done to me, along with the meds I have lost a lot of friends. I am so scared to make new ones who won't want to stick around through what I am going to be going through.

I am overall so scared in life. Will these meds work, am I finally on the correct path after years and years and years of bi-polar destroying my life? It seems no matter how much I try to leave this world it is not my time yet for whatever reason. I just hope that soon I will be able to actually be able to enjoy life. it has been a long time since I have truly enjoyed life. How I loved those moments in life...how I hold onto them so tightly and wait anxiously to have moments again in life. I guess it still has not hit me how close I came to death and how I am still alive right now.

Well I am off to take a shower, try to relax enough to go to bed so I can get up and try to live life again. one day at a time...that is the new way I need to live life. So keep me in your prayers, I need all the help I can get.

life....

has definatley been turning out much different than I thought....

a little survey..i am bored

1. What is your occupation right now? assistant dorm parent, snowboard coach for wasatch academy

2. What color are your socks right now? white

3. What are you listening to right now? "that's it that's all"

4. What was the last thing that you ate? Mc Donald's Hot Fudge Sundae

5. Can you drive a stick shift? yup

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My mom

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Erin, yeah she is cool

8. How old are you today? 25

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
snowboarding

10. What is your favorite drink? Smoothies!

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes

12. Favorite food? I really like mashed Potatoes and gravy. I go through phases on food.

13. What is the last movie you watched? The break up

14. What is your favorite day of the year? The first day snowboarding

15. How do you vent anger? I am not good at it. I have many ways of doing, all of which are probably not good for me.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? FUZZY bear!

17. What is your favorite season? I love fall....and winter...lots of snow. But I love the seasons changing

18. Cherries or Blueberries? both gross

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? not applicable

20. Living arrangements? I like in a dorm with 48 other girls...that are in high school. It is interesting and fun all at once. Nice I have my space though.

23.When was the last time you cried? like the past 48 hours

24. What is on the floor of your closet? don't have a closet

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to? Not applicable

26. What did you do last night? Was sad, cried a lot, watched the break up, worked, other stuff, went to bed.


27. What are you most afraid of? being useless



28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? Definitely cheeseburgers.



29. Favorite dog breed? Australian shepherds


30. Favorite day of the week? I dunno, varies week to week


31. How many states have you lived in? 2. WA and UT


32. Diamonds or pearls? I like sparkles


33. What is your favorite flower? roses and orchids, oh and snap dragons!

10-08-08

3rd anniversary from shattering my back. tomorrow exactly 3 years ago I went off the gap jump that almost destroyed my life. But through a miracle and friends and my families support I am able to live life to the fullest! YEAH!

The new place

Well so far I have been loving where I am at. The change of pace and atmosphere. It is very positive here, lots of good energy. Life is looking up and I am feeling happier than I have in a long time.

Here are some photos I have taken of my new home

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2024568&l=2428a&id=122802608

I have not taken any photos of my apt yet. It is a disaster still! trying to unpack. I will take photos this week and update my blog. It has been a whirlwhind down here and I will try to update my blog more often.

BIG CHANGES!

I made a decision over the weekend to take a position at wasatch academy in mt. pleasant. Yes the name describes the place. It is a small town and it will be a huge change. I have a few good friends living down there already, so that makes it easier. I will be assisting in the dorms unti lthe snowboard program starts, which then I will be come a snowboard director/coach. Sean is coming out with me and he will be the head director for snowboarding and soccer. This decision has been a really ahrd one for me. I needed to quit my job at backcountry.com. I had worked at backcountry.com for almost 2 1/2 years. It was almost a home to me, but I hit as high as I was going to be able to go there, with out more education. So it was time to say good bye. I have been dwelling all weekend on what to do. I would have to start monday at wasatch and quit backcountry, with no 2 weeks notice, nothing. Makes my stomach hurt still thinking of doing that to them, but I gotta look out for myself. At wasatch academy my housing and food is paid for and my snowboarding expenses. So I can go back to college, pay off my medical debt and get my life back on track! My commute to work is 100 steps from my apt. I prayed long and hard about this. Everyone led up to me taking this job. My roommate signing away our lease and me having to move out the weekend I would be moving for my new job. It seems everything fell into place. When i drove down there I felt so at peace. So at home. so calm. If any of you have known me the past couple months, my life has been anything but calm. I had been hospitalized for an ulcer, been battling that still. I have been nervous, hurt, stressed and just not my happy self. This move, this change is in hopes to get my happy good old self back. To be able to strengthen my body back up from a 40 hour a week desk job. Sure I am scared so so much. I don't think I have ever been so scared, but in that moment of scared I am still at peace. Knowing everything will work out for me in the end. I need to fix my life, fix myself and I am taking a leap of faith and making a decision, knowing the lord will support me. It can't be all wrong if I feel at peace about it. So even if it all ends up not working out....I have other options.

I will miss backcountry.com. Specifically the people, seeing the snowboarding fashion, the vendors, some of the rad projects I got to be passionate about. But somewhere in the mix of everything, the good and the bad I lost myself. I had a co-worker make a comment of where is the fun happy emily? we miss her, we hope you can find her again. This was told to me last thursday. That was really my deciding factor. I need that person back...I need to be that fun, bubbly, positive person. I know I have made the right decision. I know tomorrow I may regreat, but I will be reassured. Good bye backcountry.com thanks for everything you have taught me, the gear I have gotten, the opportunities, and the people I have met. It was what I needed at that time in my life. It helped me pick myself up after a horrific injury, now that I am healed and ready to move forward it is time. Time to find myself again.

Black Cloud

I have felt like...no...I KNOW a black cloud has been following me. A lot of really crappy things have happened in my life lately. These crappy things come in the form of:
-My Job and the drama included with that
-Getting ditched by a roommate
-Needing to move ASAP
-Needing to find a place to live ASAP
-Sleep deprivation
-Like anyone else in life...growing and learn in relationships
-sometimes those come in the form of arguments and such (stressful)
-Car issues
-Having stomach issues (not getting much better)
-Medical bills from above
-Medical bills from back surgery- lots of debt
-Trying to figure out my path in life
-Missing my family
-Missing that feeling of "Home"
-Worrying if I can take my cat with me wherever I move
-Stress beyond stress levels that I feel I can handle
-Having no friends - I probably did it to myself
-With my stomach issues I can not take pain relievers

On the Happy Cloud side of these issues
-My Job and the drama included with that
-Getting ditched by a roommate (New Adventure in life)
-Needing to move ASAP (Been cleaning up my belongings and donating a lot)
-Needing to find a place to live ASAP (Get to get out of the horrible dungeon I live in)
-Sleep deprivation (Better than sleeping too much. I get to watch lots of movies)
-Like anyone else in life...growing and learn in relationships (Atleast the person is always there when everything cools off. The hugs can calm everything)
-sometimes those come in the form of arguments and such (stressful) (Learn more about the person and build better communication through it all)
-Car issues (well atealst it gets me from point a to b for now)
-Having stomach issues (not getting much better) (I am loosing weight..but not too much haha)
-Medical bills from above (atleast I have insurance so it was not the whole bill)
-Medical bills from back surgery- lots of debt (the cost of being able to walk and have use of my legs)
-Trying to figure out my path in life (learning a lot about many things in my search for this)
-Missing my family (become closer to them by calling them more often, even if it is me crying to them all the time)
-Missing that feeling of "Home" (the hope and motivation to create a place like this)
-Worrying if I can take my cat with me wherever I move (knowing that no matter what happens she can be that special someone for someone else. she has done so much for me in such a short period of time. I am so greatful for her)
-Stress beyond stress levels that I feel I can handle (will make easier things seem REALLY easy)
-Having no friends - I probably did it to myself (chance to make new ones or the few I have give them more attention)
-With my stomach issues I can not take pain relievers (It will make my stomach get better, but MAN i am in pain. Humbles me down so much)

I am greatful for the people in my life who have beena shoulder to cry on. I can name them personally: Sean, Chantelle, My mom, My sister, My brother, My grandma, Tim, Lulu (my kitty)

Thank yo to these people. I am sorry to the people I have been flaky to. I really want to be better. My mind is so occupied by many other things that I forget to call back or message back or anything. I am sorry! Hopefully soon I can get out of this depression...get the situations that are making me so sad fixed and become happier. I feel like I have lost such a huge portion of myself through this all. My spunkiness is gone, my laughter is gone. I hope i can get that all back. I have become really good at pushing people away lately, please just don't let me push you away. I am trying...but it is hard.

That is it...
that is what is going on in my life.
that is why I don't smile as much
why I don't come around anymore.

Snowboarding In July - Flat Tops, CO

We made our way back to Steamboat Springs, CO after shredding St. Mary's Glacier for the day and stayed at Shannon's House again and the next morning we went to the Flat tops in search of snow. We made our way up to Stillwater Lake. The snow ended up being really far away and we joked the whole time coming up that we would hit these little snow patches we saw on our way up if we needed to. Well we ended up hitting a sweet little snow patch up there and had tons of fun on it.

Sean Trying to read the horrible map from the ranger's station.

Thumbs up to shredding the patch!

Photos of me shredding the Patch

Strapping in

Down I go. Shredding it up with my Prana bliss Capri's and Nikita T-shirt. We put our goggles on to at least feel like we were really shredding hard!

Hiking Back up

Here is Shannon Shredding down
I got video of her first drop and the first drop on the snow patch!

She took a couple falls, they made us laugh and gave her a little bit of bleeding and bruising.

I had to come unstrap her on this one..hehe

Sean sat and sun bathed the whole time. In this photo he was mad at me cuz I sprayed him. hehe


He decided he needed to snowboard and took a run down in his running shoes and on my board

People thought we were crazy but we had lots of fun

Snowboarding In July - St, Mary's Glacier

Sean and I took a trip to Colorado Last weekend to do some shraping on the snow in Colorado.

First we rolled into Steamboatd Springs, CO and stayed at Shannon' s house. One of my buddies from high school. It was rad to see her again, since high school.

We got up the next morning and headed out to St. Mary's Glacier. To get there you go to to Idaho Springs and just west of it you take that exit and go straight up to the end of the road and start hiking.

We went though the Eisenhower tunnel...where I tried to hold my breath through it. I failed, both times there and back. I got further on the way back, if Sean would have hit the gas maybe it could have been possible. This tunnel just goes straight through the mt. Pretty cool.

Then We got to St. Mary's Glacier...or well the start of the trail.
Then we got to the top of the trail. Here are photos of Sean and myself with a great view of the Glacier and lake the glacier melts into.

Here we are hiking up with our gear and crampons. Crampons make a world of difference and I sure would have been struggling with out them! so glad that I got them!!

We made it to the top!

The Beautiful upper, above treeline meadows. There is a 14'er in the background. There was a ton of wild flowers all over the place up there. So pretty and peaceful
Here is myself shredding down. It was really bouncy so Sean did not get a lot of infocus shots. Thanks for trying though!

Sean did not have enough and went back up for some more. The clouds came in and covered the sun and it started to get pretty cold.

One last look at the glacier and sean's line down the crazy part.

Back down the trail to the car we go...

This should be on a inspirational poster or something...

YEAH St. Mary's has been conquered!

My life...

This was for the Aleve Good Moves Contest. Keep your fingers crossed I win the 25,000 dollars to help pay off my medical bills! It shows me Mountainboarding, snowboarding, kiteboarding, kayaking, snowmobiling, enjoying life. All these things I am doing I take aleve to function with. I hate being dependent on something, but I am so greatful it helps me live life!

First Donation!

I came into work today, having a pretty horrible night. I check my email and I see that I have a donation to my boarding fund! Thank you Adam for the donation. I really appreciate it!! It really made my morning. Made me feel a little less as invisible as I feel right now. Thank you!

Closing day -Snowbird, Utah

June 22nd, 2008 - Closing weekend at snowbird resort.

The conditions were RAD! hot, sunny, bluebird skys, slushiest slushy snow and LOTS of snow!
I had a great day, my hip did OK, I had to kind of baby it, but I was just stoked to be able to shred the closing weekend of the bird.

Here is me and Sean on the lift:

Look at all that snow! it is almost july!! this is insane and awesome!

Little cloud chair lift...with lots of snow in the background.

Sean is SO happy to be snowboarding right now. He is going to go "fairy fly" down the mt. haha

he takes off, I sure can not keep up with this snowboard racer!

Here is me, not going as fast as Sean goes down the slopes
My awesome snowboard!!
Entertaining ourselves on the lift...I really like this photo

Mountainboard Learn 2 Rides

2 weekends ago I helped teach with The Salty Peaks Mt board team over 100 people to mountainboard. It was really fun and flowed really well. Got pretty chaotic at the end, people leaving the festival and walking in the way of where we were mt boarding. But we put some police tape up and that stopped all the stupid people from walking into people flying at them on boards.
Overall it was a pretty good day. The kids started at the beginner hill and when they were ready moved over to try out the jumps. We got some pretty quick learning talented kids. hopefully they will come out to the next learn 2 ride.

Me teaching some Rad kids who have been coming out for a year.
They have doubled in size from last year and are now big enough to try out the jump!

Teaching them how to strap in so their little feet won't pop out

One of the people learning how to mt board

Paul John's teaching how to "get low" and "bend the knees"

One of the kids who advanced to "the freestyle section"

The end of a great day needs a sweet high five off the jump. Mason and Sean made it happen

quarter of a century

I have turned the big 25...

dun dun dun...
makes me wonder a lot about life.
Makes me reflect on past things...
past events...
where I am at in my life..
where I want to go in my life...

A quarter of a century down...3 more to go.

Some of the things I got for my birthday:

Ryan got me the Last Unicorn! So stoked about that, I watched it all the time growing up!

My dad got my AAA renewed

I got some turtle stuff

Sean got me a back massager! awesome!

Sean also put together a surprise birthday party for me! it was rad!

I got a lot of silly string all over my face when I came down the stairs